Eating Cake Alone

Life: I can have it all. But it will probably kill me.

I have never seen the movie “Saw”, but I imagine it was based off of a visit with CPS.

Don’t ask.

I called. They came.

But my children…my beloved, my roses cheeked cherubs of delight: They delivered.

Parenting in a snapshot. Imagine what it looks like. Just imagine. Yes- It was glorious.

The house was immaculate. A fluke. My children were dressed like crazed ballerinas, reminiscent of clowns. They found my James Charles makeup palette seconds before. One had mismatched shoes. Not her shoes, but mine. For effect.

A welfare check, upon my request, was brought by a kind (thankfully wise) woman from CPS…who despite my children’s best efforts to the contrary-left my children in my home. Thank you. (Please insert self-defeated expletives wherever you deem fit. They are accurate.)

My eldest daughter appeared with a stick, “To fight with,” she proclaimed. The other foraged for hours to find a piece of sharp rock in the backyard and present it to the lovely CPS rep as glass. She’s only 3, but has managed an expression of “disappointment” surprisingly well. Fortunately she was wearing mommy’s studded stilettos as she shuffled away. She returned only to ask if she could eat mushrooms from the backyard. Meanwhile, the elder was adamant about the stick. And the fighting. I can’t be sure if I was being accused of betting on them, but after today- I would never bet against them.

The visit ended with my oldest child explaining the various species of scorpions in my backyard. My New Jersey backyard. And my youngest angel, who couldn’t take off her elaborate ballerina costume in time, and had an accident in the bathroom. She shuffled by us, slowly-in a long gray adult T-shirt I handed her on the way upstairs. You know the look. You’ve seen it on “Cops”. The shirt came off and my child waved to CPS, naked-now in cowboy boots to the nice lady who visited us.

So yea. I don’t need to watch “Saw.”






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Diana Veseth-Nelson

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Eating Cake Alone

Life: I can have it all. But it will probably kill me.


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